I vividly remember the first time I saw this word. It was one of the 100s of words teachers made me define during my school career. I always thought it had something to do with a melody... the words looked alike to me. I play that word association game to remember definitions and so for some reason I thought it was a happy, cheerful, comforting feeling... I know now.
Today, I have had one of those days that my good friend, Hightower, told me about.
When I was pregnant with Ben eight years ago, I had the dreaded ride to Kentucky for my best friend's Daddy's funeral. It wasn't a dread ride like I didn't want to go...it was a dread ride that I didn't know what to say, what to do, or how to make her heart feel better. Little did I know that the funeral would leave me with a sense of hope for my life and also feeling better about Kathryn and the hard days of grief that were to follow. After hearing the eulogy at the funeral, I knew this man more than I could have ever imagined. All three people had wonderful things to say, and they each made me regret not knowing him more closely than I did. There were tears of laughter and tears of pain at the funeral, but I knew when I left there that this man was in Heaven, he loved his family, and he lived a great life. I was full of hope and joy for Kathryn. If the funeral had made me feel this way then I knew she had to feel great too!
As we were getting into the car to leave the funeral, I commented on how great Kathryn must feel with all the kind comments from the people at the funeral. Hightower quickly said to me, "It won't hit her now. It will hit her when she least expects it." I looked at him like he was crazy. Having lost his father a few years earlier, he told me, "It didn't hit me until the Friday that I came home for the weekend and my dad wasn't at the house to greet me." Still not fully understanding what he meant, I did remember what he said and tried my best to think of that as the next years passed.
Hightower's words became so true to me years later with the death of some very close people in my life. I don't think I got the full impact of his words until it happened to me.
That same year in my classroom, I read the story Because of Winn Dixie to my class. I love the book, but one of my favorite parts is when they pass out the candy and it gives a sense of "melancholy" as it dissolves in the mouth. The little girl doesn't know where her mother is and is being raised by her father. The dog she finds in the Winn Dixie grocery store helps her, comforts her, and gives her reason to go on in life. I now understood the word!
Back to October 12, 2011~ Maybe it is the weather of gloomy, cold, dreary, sprinkling... but today I know exactly what the word means. I know exactly how it feels. I know exactly how to describe it according to me.
Today, those who are no longer with me have been with me in spirit. I opened my bathroom drawer this morning to get out my jewelry and saw the ring that my aunt gave me for graduation. I was standing in the middle of my grandmother's kitchen when Kakee gave it to me and I don't know who was more excited...me or Granny. She was grinning from ear to ear because she knew how much I loved playing with the ring when I was a little girl. Whenever I wear it, I think about my grandmother. My hands look just like hers and with this ring on...I know she is living forever inside my heart.
I am doing a book study on Patricia Pollaco in my classroom. She writes wonderful stories, and today's story was Betty Doll. The story of Patricia's mother who has a doll she carries from her early childhood until her death. Patricia unwraps a box with the doll in it after her mother's death and it has a note attached saying how the doll has been through thick and thin with her... she thought she might need to keep it with her during this time as well. I thought about the things that are around my own house that are special to me... that comfort me. I have dishes, furniture, a quilt... many things that remind me of my grandmothers everyday. It makes my heart swell with pride knowing how special these items are to me that no one else would even care about... little do they know.
When Ben got off the bus today, he came to my room as usual and played on my Smartboard. As I watched him, I couldn't help but think of Mark's daddy. He was left-handed and Ben can already write just like him. I would be willing to bet he could forge his signature if he had to do so.
I also noticed that Mr. Wallace has posted pictures of the prom that my daddy and Mark's mama and daddy went to in high school. I wish that Granny was here so I could ask her who all those people were. She would have loved facebook!
I take KB to dance on Wednesday nights. My grandparents, great-grandparents, and great-great grandparents are buried in downtown McCormick. I always ride through and speak... yeah that may seem odd to some... but I like dead people. I grew up with my backyard being a cemetery and those are the best neighbors to have... they don't bother you. Some may call me crazy because I ride through like their bodies are still there... I know they aren't, but I can't help it. I think Bernice Legg rubbed off on me as I was growing up. I remember sitting on the screened porch of Mama and Daddy's house and watching her circle the cemetery everyday TWICE. We always guessed she rode through once for her mama and once for her daddy. I am sure if anyone is watching at the McCormick City Cemetery they think the same thing about me.
I ran into the grocery store to pick up a few items and as I was checking out I decided to get some gum. Right when I looked up I saw Freedent. That was Granny's kind of gum. She always had some in her purse. I bought two packs.
On my way back to get KB, I noticed a car pulled over in a field with a big no trespassing sign that had been taken down. I immediately thought of Lee Sturkey and how he didn't let signs like that bother him. He just moved them and went right on to where he wasn't supposed to be and then would put the sign back. I was sad because it is approaching a year for both Lee's death and Granny's death. Wow... who knew it would get me upset a year later? And then I thought of how selfish it was for me to wish them back, to wish for Jefferson just one more hug from his daddy, and for Kakee to have one more lesson on making a pound cake like Granny.
Gosh... I miss Boo-Ma, Granny, and Bobby Carol. I would give anything to see them, talk to them, hug them, tell them I love them just one more time. If they only knew what an impact they made on my life.
Melancholy~ I got it... the definition, the feeling, and the true meaning. I fully understand what a "gloomy state of mind" means now. I hope this passes soon... I love the memories, but they make me so sad.
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