Back to my supper... As I stood at the refrigerator and decided that nothing looked appetizing, I saw the block of cheese and my heart dropped. People ask me all the time "How ya doing?"... and I always say "Fine"... and I am! I just can't shake the moments like these. It's so hard in the crazy events of the day to have your breath taken away by simple little things like cheese toast and coffee. Mama, Jim, and Guille will know why... it was his favorite supper... I'm replicating that supper tonight ...except I don't have my coffee loaded up with sugar and cream. As I shared with the ladies tonight, I'm so lucky to be blessed the way I am. Every day I'm reminded of Daddy... multiple times.
My favorite memories are the ones that KB and Ben remind me of... we went to eat Mexican last night, and we sat at the table that Daddy sat at when he came to visit us. Ben immediately remembered it. Tonight when we got home from church Ben came and asked me if I heard the machine just buzz when Butch died. I told him I wasn't there. I don't ever want my children to have to watch someone take their last breath... unless they want to. But he is thinking of Daddy too...
Every morning on the way to school, Ben and I listen to HIS radio. I am not blessed with a singing voice, but I can sing in the car... he tells me to hush all the time... and I tell him that Jesus is going to pull him aside when he gets to heaven and ask why he picked on his mama's singing... but this morning as we were pulling out of the driveway... the song that was on the radio when I left to go see Daddy the last time came on... and Ben has no idea it's that song... but he let me sing it and never said a word. "Oh My Soul" by Casting Crowns will always remind me of how strong we have to be in times of struggle. So tonight... as I sit with my coffee, my cheese toast, and music that has flooded me with emotions... I will feel better... I will feel comfort... I will know that memories are to make the pain bearable. For that I am thankful...
So Daddy... tonight... I know you are here... I know you are watching over me... I know that I am growing stronger every day... and it's okay that I cry happy tears and sad tears sometimes... My heart smiles when I think of all the wonderful memories...even if it is just a little cup of coffee and cheese toast... and can you just talk to God a little bit about that lady with the cowboy hat and sequins... and then I need to talk to you about her. I would give anything to hear what you would have to say about that!
