It's been forty-eight hours since we dropped her off at college. Our entire family dislikes riding roller coasters... yet... that's exactly what I feel like I've been on for the past two days. There are so many things to be thankful for and I am so proud, but then I focus on myself and come back down to the valley. That's what gets me in trouble!
It didn't matter what I did yesterday... she was there... and she wasn't. Mark was folding clothes and held up her socks... "I bet she needs me to bring these to her!"... I started cleaning and missed her voice saying, "Mom, what's next?"... I decided to get Ben's book bag, lunchbox, and school supplies ready... and I needed her. She is the organizer of our family. It was time to go to the grocery store for our weekly trip... I needed her to talk me through the week and make sure I had everything for everyone... I walked in her room and there were no clothes on the floor, the closet door was shut, and that big elephant she loves wasn't on the bed... There's no other way to describe her being gone than to say that it feels like a nail has been pushed through my heart... and yet she's like a nail... she holds us together... she makes us one... she makes us complete... she's strong... she holds up even when things aren't going her way... she doesn't tarnish and give up... she keeps going...
As soon as we got in the car to go to church the tears started again... and the music this morning made me cry... and the preacher made me cry... and then our church family made me cry... and I thought to myself that I am going to have to get myself together!!! I took a nap because I believe in resting on Sunday... and then I came back to the nail again... and I'm going to try to approach this new way of life with a different perspective... I'm going to focus on how can I be a nail... how can I hold things together... make others know how to be one... to make their lives complete... to make them strong... to hold up when things aren't going the way they want... to not rust/tarnish/give up... to keep going...
The nail... an invention that has lasted through the years... one of the few things that have been around since Jesus's death... I mean people didn't have social media to express their feelings, cell phones to call their children, cars to visit their children, restaurants to meet for lunch, and the list goes on and on and on... but they had nails... a common thing that was used then and now.
I'm like Dolly Parton and Olympia Dukakis in Steel Magnolias... there's a story there...
A nail does many things... it puts two things together forever... it's sturdy... it doesn't wear out... it doesn't disintegrate.... it lasts forever and ever... and out of all those good things that it does...
it can also harm... it pierces... it can make you bleed... it can put up eviction notices... it can put up "Lost..." notices... it can cause you to need a tetanus shot... it can flatten your tire... and it can be used to nail someone to the cross...
And that last statement got me... as worthy as a nail is to us today, many, many years ago.... it nailed him to the cross for me... and while that might be a sad thing to think about... it had to happen for me to have eternal life. So... while a nail might hurt for a little bit... if I change my perspective and look at it as something bad ending with a good result... I find peace in knowing that my heart might be broken that I have sent a child off to college... I know that good things are going to come from this entire experience. Jesus never promised us easy... and I'm a firm believer in that... but He does tell us that God's plan is for good. I'm choosing to focus on the good!
When she got back to the dorm about 9 last night, she called and sounded great. She said she hadn't cried all day long.... she got up and went to church this morning... she had a test to take this afternoon... and as I'm typing she is at the President's reception sending me pictures. I'm so grateful for this time... and I'm going to embrace it through the tears. I'm so glad she is adjusting... and I know that in time we will all feel better about this entire situation... but for now... I'm focusing on the nail... the nail that holds my life together... the nail that allows me to know that no matter what happens I will be okay... and so will she!
I'll be honest and say that three of us are having a harder time than she is... Mark just sent me this and I'll leave you with how this is so true...
And my prayer today... continue to be that nail... and fly baby girl... fly baby girl and fill those trees!
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