~Trouble~with that capital T

*One of those posts that I'm not proud of, but I want Ben to remember... to look back one day and think about this as a learning experience.  

Dear Boo~ 
I knew this day was coming... the day that my heart would break because you got in trouble at school.  I get calls from the school all the time, so I was not prepared, or afraid, or scared when I got a message to call.  I can't imagine what parents feel like when they know they are calling for something bad... I guess it's a normal thing for me... but when I began to hear the story I was mixed with emotions.  Thank goodness I had Butch and Jane in the car with me!  One of them for you saying you would never do anything like that, the other saying you did it without a doubt....It left me in silence!  I wanted to strangle you for doing something that you know better than to do... I wanted to cut you for scaring the lights out of another child... and I wanted to cry for you not telling the truth.  Yesterday afternoon was a hard one for you... you were stripped of life... no PlayStation, no football, no phone, no "nothing".... and it was much harder on me than I think it was on you.  As sweet and innocent as you looked writing letters of apology to everyone involved, I still was so mad that I couldn't even talk to you.... and embarrassed...and just hurt. 
Your record of being good in school ended yesterday... but your daddy and I both warned you!  Like a lot of parents, I thought about blaming everyone but you, but I knew... I knew in my heart that you did it.  What good does it do to blame anyone else?  None... As I told you... I speed most of the time... and one day it will be my turn to get caught!  You got caught! 
This morning I spent a lot of my devotional time praying for my heart... to get over the embarrassment of my child misbehaving, the hurt of you not being honest, and the disappointment of your behavior.  I asked God to show me quickly the good that would come from this.  I know children all over have done so many things worse than you, I know parents have been disappointed in their children's decisions, and I know that life goes on.... this will pass and things will get better.  I prayed for you to learn a lesson, to never put yourself in a situation that you have to lie, and to be mature enough to put yourself in the shoes of others before you do and say things.  In all honesty, I know you didn't mean for your actions to come out the way they did... but they did.  So.... you have to suffer the consequences! 
Your punishments are involving every aspect of your life.... personal and school.  I don't want to go through this again...so maybe if we are hard on you... you will think before you do something else!  In addition to having to write letters apologizing, your hardest moment was knowing you had to tell your football coach what you had done.  I'm proud of you for being a "man" and doing that.  I'm proud that you haven't asked for your PlayStation, phone, or a friend.  I'm proud that you helped me clean the house this afternoon and never once complained.  I'm proud you are almost finished reading your book.  I'm proud that you know better...and you admit it!
God has shown me how to treat you... I disappoint him, I hurt him, and I'm sure that he would like to "cut" me daily.... and for that reason.... I'm much better tonight.   If he can forgive me for disappointing him... I have to forgive you.  It's getting easier now... I've even been able to laugh about it now that you have told your real side of the story.  Not that it makes it any better, but I feel sure that your sister will be trying a new trick in the bathroom at the high school tomorrow... and I'm not going to be one bit surprised when the elementary school calls me again and says you have specials detention in the office.  At supper tonight, you were kind enough to inform us all that you actually enjoyed sitting in the office and would love to go back again.  You enjoyed being in the know of everything going on in the school.  I think it's quite sad that I'm in negotiations trying to reward you now with a visit to sit for awhile in the office if you can behave for the next few weeks... Dear God... you have a funny way of getting points across. 
So... this is the first "big" trouble you have been in... I know it won't be the last.... and one day I'll look back at this post and wish that the only thing you had done was this.  Finally, I love you... no matter what you do... you are my baby boy... no matter how mean, and scary, and silly you can be.  I hope you know that I love you with all my heart... I want you to be perfect...and I want you to know that when you make a bad decision... fess up... tell the truth... be honest! So I'm going to hold my head high... and hope you learned a lesson... and try my best to smile even though my heart hurts when I think about it. 

I love you, Boo!

Mama~