As I sit here tonight, my heart and mind are racing. It doesn't take much for me to get back to that homesick feeling... and I always thought once I got older it would be so much better... it is worse... especially when I am homesick for one of my own....
Ben signed up for church camp this year. He knew all of his friends would be going from church and didn't hesitate one bit when it was time to make the decision. I was so proud...I even stuck my chest out a little bit... Last night, we had to meet at the church about the logistics of the trip and then he went home with a buddy.... He got home about nine o'clock... we went upstairs and I showed him his suitcase and how I had everything organized. I told him where to put his dirty clothes, how his clothes were matched up, and where his shower shoes were.... as I sat on the edge of his bed, I saw it coming... he walked across the room and just fell into my arms.... his head on my chest~ he said, "Mama, I don't know if I can do this or not".... the little girl in me wanted to grab him and say, "It's fine... you will be miserable at camp... just stay home with me... I'll buy you a prize if you stay because you are going to hate that feeling when you get ready to go to sleep".... YEP... that is what I wanted to say.... BUT... I held him tightly and swayed back and forth telling him that he would be fine... I told him all about his big sister crying uncontrollably and surviving at her camp experiences..... I told him he would have a great time... I told him he would make new friends... I told him that God was going to hold him and take care of him... I told him to remember Phillipians 4:13... I said all this with tears in my eyes... a shaking voice... and a heart that was breaking... that precious little blonde haired boy who has so much of my heart was hurting and he was afraid...
As we sat there hugging each other, I didn't want to let him go....He is my baby... I started thinking about how fast these ten years have gone by... I thought about how special he is to me and how he makes me want to stomp him in one breath and squeeze him to death in the other.... I thought about how lucky I am that he loves me like he does... I'm not the best mama... I don't always run to the den when he calls me... I don't always put up his clothes for him when he asks me... I don't always clean off his plate and put it in the dishwasher... I don't always iron his clothes... I don't always clean his bathroom... I don't always clean up after him.... He does so many of these things himself... I know I am building a little man...
I thought about how we walked down the beach and he grabbed my hand.... and how when we walk in stores and there are people who he questions... that little hand grabs mine... and how when he wants me to rub his back he always grabs my hand first and holds it.... and when we ride in the car... he likes to hold my hands while we sing really loud... and I thanked God for giving me that little boy who makes my heart smile on a daily basis.... and I put all my eggs in one basket... I told him he had to go... it was his opportunity to be a leader.... I told him he would just fine! I really didn't have any other option... those fragile little eggs had to be put in that basket so he could do this!
I worried all morning that he was going to have another meltdown at the church when I left him... He did great... he left me with a smile on his face... He called me this afernoon and sounded wonderful... I'm sure he is busy right now with the worship service, but I'm busy praying that he will have a peace tonight come over him so that feeling of homesickness won't show up.... But if by chance that little egg cracks.... I'm ready to go get him! I've got the car ready with plenty of gas... and I'm leaving clothes out.... If anyone else wants to pray for him... I'm sure he will feel the love... may his heart grow closer to Jesus this week... may he learn to rely on his faith to get him through things that aren't always comfortable for him... and may he always know that no matter where he roams... he will always be welcome at home....
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