It's that time of year when my chest hurts, I don't sleep much at night, and I feel the ulcer that has never been diagnosed stirring in my belly.... I promise myself that I won't do it every year... but I do....
It all started last week with Ben going to camp and the fear of making the right decision for him... and now...it's all about the scar I think we made on his life, the list of things to do at work, and the fact that Mark is traveling this week... add to that... Jane is out of town too! With all that said... I have had more company than ever at my house this week! One day I will look back and think of how proud I should be... but right now.... I'm exhausted with lots more to do tonight! Writing wasn't on my list, but if I get my thoughts down... maybe I can focus on what I need to do for work!
So.... here are my thoughts....
1. Ben says there was nothing fun about camp. The food wasn't good, there were no fun activities, and he says he will never go back.... I find that hard to believe.... during the day he was fine and happy... and at night he was scared. I thought he would quickly get over this... but he hasn't.... He told me he didn't want to go to his golf tournament today because he was afraid if something happened to him that I would leave him there and not come get him. I told him that was a totally different situation.... Today, thank goodness for BC and JMac.... they picked him up at 6:45 AM and headed to Augusta... he shot his lowest round ever and birdied the last hole. He was so proud of himself. I told him to think about what he would have missed if had not gone! It was an early morning for him.... but even earlier for Sis and me! We were up cooking breakfast for the administrators in our system.... We made a grits bar! I think it was good.... by the time I got settled...I really wasn't sure what I had eaten... I'm thinking a 10:30 AM wedding would be good with a grits bar...and a yogurt bar! Back to Ben.... he has three girls texting him from camp...so I guess if he fell in love all over again over the summer... it was fine.... in just the last two days he has changed his "crush".... all I can say is "Bless those girls' hearts"
*I would mark all over a student's paper if they had gone from talking about Ben to a grits bar at a wedding.... but I don't have rubrics for this blog...or an SLO! :)
STAY FOCUSED!
2. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around KB going to high school... I thought I would be an emotional roller coaster about it... but I'm not.... Having taught middle school for so many years... I knew when my students were ready to go to the next level... I think she is mature enough to handle it... sometimes too mature.... It's funny to me how when I talk in code... she can figure it out... She should have blond hair... no common sense at all... but I still love her! I'm thankful for her smarts... and her sweet heart... and her help this morning... I couldn't have done it without her.... Mama will not be out of town next year when we do this! She is always there to do our breakfasts....but someone invited her to Disney World.... and she went!
3. Speaking of Mama.... since she is out of town... I have gained all the more respect for her and all she does... getting Daddy's medicine right every day is enough to drive me crazy.... but then worrying about his supper is another thing....But I wouldn't give a million dollars for having him sit at the table with us at night.... and he says everything I cook is delicious. Tonight, I had pork tenderloin, green beans, corn, brown rice, fried okra, rolls, sliced tomatoes, and Betty Carol's homemade pickles.... We had a full table of men with KB and me.... Janice is out of town too...so I had to feed Jim and Cole Baby and a mystery guest! After we had eaten all that... Jim and I walked at the farm while the children fished and then we all fed the animals. Jim and I did a pretty good job of solving all the problems in the world too..... we think alike... definitely from the same mold... except I don't complain about things... I take action! He will love me for saying that!
4. Here's to the next few wild and crazy six weeks.... I'm already looking forward to Labor Day Weekend! I'm hoping we flow right into the new year... my children adjust well.... and I remember to wear deodorant everyday! My goal is to stay focused on my family this year! Their time at home is quickly fading away... As Jim and I walked tonight... it hit me that Cole was starting college..... and I was shocked... how could that baby be ready to enter the real world??? And then I realized that KB is right on his coattails....I think the most bothersome thing about KB going to high school...is I think I am still 16... and I'm not... my legs and butt and hands show that of a 43 year old... but I still love riding around the circle with the windows down, the music loud, and car dancing while my children sit in awe and watch me..... occasionally I get a few words right in the song and sometimes they join me!
5. Okay--- this is the most ADHD post I have ever seen in my life.... I'm still not focused, but I have to get busy with my work stuff... on another note... I wish that Feltman Brothers or Rosalina would make a smocked dress in KB's size to start the first day of school.... and of course a big bow!
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Friday, July 18, 2014
By Faith....
In about two hours Ben comes back from camp. It's been a hard week.... as great as his first night was, the others haven't been as well. The nightly calls and talking him through his fears have been just as hard on Mark and me as they have on him. We try to be strong...and then when we hang up.... we always question if we did the right thing. I've been there... I know how he feels... Mama would pick me up from a friend's house and I would be so mad at myself the next day for not staying. I have talked to our youth pastor, Coach Campbell, and music minister more this week than ever. Their help with this situation has been remarkable...to say the least. Renee and I talked a lot yesterday about how important it is for these children to know that God is going to protect them. To hear that someone has prayed over your child and with your child to help them through this struggle makes me completely understand the phrase "sister in Christ". She is loving my child just as much as I am... I have apologized profusely for the numerous situations she has had to deal with, but she just keeps that happy voice and says it's just fine.
Of course I'm excited that Ben is coming home, but I'm even more excited that we didn't have to go get him... each day he thought we might be coming, but Renee and Coach Campbell felt that he could do it! This morning I slept until 9:30.... I think I might still be sleeping if Mark hadn't called to wake me up.... my phone app devotion was "All My Tears".... I can't wait to share this with Ben when he gets here.... Psalm 56:8 says, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." It goes on to talk about how God knows our problems and sees our tears.... he hears the pain in our voice.... I'm hoping that Ben will realize that He was with him the entire time.... the second night when we finally got him to stop calling... I told him to go to bed and say his prayers.... He said, "I'm going to pray all night to God that He will tell you to come get me!"... While it was funny on the inside, this is going to be a perfect lesson for Ben to see that our prayers to God aren't always how He answers them... but it all works out okay...
As I was reading my Bible this morning, the devotion came from Hebrews 11:1. This section of my Bible is titled By Faith... and I have underlined all the times the word faith appears in this chapter.... For some reason I got sidetracked and put my devotion book away and started concentrating on Hebrews 11. I have obviously studied it before to have all the faiths underlined, but I know I didn't read it like I read it this morning... I sure do wish that we knew who wrote this book of the BIBLE, but I also know that the irony of not knowing goes right along with faith... Faith is believing in something we can't see.... whoever wrote this book... had faith.... Chapter 11 begins most verses with "by faith".... it discusses all the notable people in the Bible who had to deal with faith in order to overcome situations that seemed unbearable... from Cain and Abel to Abraham to Moses to David... all had belief in something that could not be seen...
Ben has had to strengthen his faith this week... he will never forget those tears, the fears, and the prayers he prayed... he will always have this week to remember that God got him through it... now he may never go back again, but at least he got through it... as I write this morning, I also can't help but think about
those who are fighting cancer and have been told that nothing can be done
those who are on the verge of quitting their jobs because they are unhappy
those who have a mountain to climb to prove themselves
those who have bad reputations and are trying to turn themselves around
those who are struggling with making the right choices for their families
those who are hurt by family members and their decisions
those who are praying for answers to questions that God hasn't moved on yet
those who are longing for happiness in their lives but can't seem to find it
those who are putting on a front that they are fine... but inside they are crumbling
those who are sick and don't have all the answers
those who are struggling knowing what the right thing to do is... but still making those bad choices
those who are bitter and angry and jealous
Compared to this list, Ben's request and mine seem so minimal.... but I know that God hears our prayers just like He hears the people above... I know this because of Faith.... I believe in things that I can't see.... and I am all the better for it! My faith helps me on a daily basis.... I'm hoping Ben learned that this week more than anything!
Of course I'm excited that Ben is coming home, but I'm even more excited that we didn't have to go get him... each day he thought we might be coming, but Renee and Coach Campbell felt that he could do it! This morning I slept until 9:30.... I think I might still be sleeping if Mark hadn't called to wake me up.... my phone app devotion was "All My Tears".... I can't wait to share this with Ben when he gets here.... Psalm 56:8 says, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." It goes on to talk about how God knows our problems and sees our tears.... he hears the pain in our voice.... I'm hoping that Ben will realize that He was with him the entire time.... the second night when we finally got him to stop calling... I told him to go to bed and say his prayers.... He said, "I'm going to pray all night to God that He will tell you to come get me!"... While it was funny on the inside, this is going to be a perfect lesson for Ben to see that our prayers to God aren't always how He answers them... but it all works out okay...
As I was reading my Bible this morning, the devotion came from Hebrews 11:1. This section of my Bible is titled By Faith... and I have underlined all the times the word faith appears in this chapter.... For some reason I got sidetracked and put my devotion book away and started concentrating on Hebrews 11. I have obviously studied it before to have all the faiths underlined, but I know I didn't read it like I read it this morning... I sure do wish that we knew who wrote this book of the BIBLE, but I also know that the irony of not knowing goes right along with faith... Faith is believing in something we can't see.... whoever wrote this book... had faith.... Chapter 11 begins most verses with "by faith".... it discusses all the notable people in the Bible who had to deal with faith in order to overcome situations that seemed unbearable... from Cain and Abel to Abraham to Moses to David... all had belief in something that could not be seen...
Ben has had to strengthen his faith this week... he will never forget those tears, the fears, and the prayers he prayed... he will always have this week to remember that God got him through it... now he may never go back again, but at least he got through it... as I write this morning, I also can't help but think about
those who are fighting cancer and have been told that nothing can be done
those who are on the verge of quitting their jobs because they are unhappy
those who have a mountain to climb to prove themselves
those who have bad reputations and are trying to turn themselves around
those who are struggling with making the right choices for their families
those who are hurt by family members and their decisions
those who are praying for answers to questions that God hasn't moved on yet
those who are longing for happiness in their lives but can't seem to find it
those who are putting on a front that they are fine... but inside they are crumbling
those who are sick and don't have all the answers
those who are struggling knowing what the right thing to do is... but still making those bad choices
those who are bitter and angry and jealous
Compared to this list, Ben's request and mine seem so minimal.... but I know that God hears our prayers just like He hears the people above... I know this because of Faith.... I believe in things that I can't see.... and I am all the better for it! My faith helps me on a daily basis.... I'm hoping Ben learned that this week more than anything!
Monday, July 14, 2014
That Point When You Put All Your Eggs in One Basket
I have written numerous times about my homesickness and how it has been a huge part of my life always.... from the time I went to UGA twirling camp, 4-H camp, and those camps I signed up for that I never attended... I have always loved home.... I go through spurts of wanting to be at my house and not having any plans to still being at my house and having plans... the constant...I like being home... I'm not real sure where I got this gene from, but I am learning I passed it on to my children...
As I sit here tonight, my heart and mind are racing. It doesn't take much for me to get back to that homesick feeling... and I always thought once I got older it would be so much better... it is worse... especially when I am homesick for one of my own....
Ben signed up for church camp this year. He knew all of his friends would be going from church and didn't hesitate one bit when it was time to make the decision. I was so proud...I even stuck my chest out a little bit... Last night, we had to meet at the church about the logistics of the trip and then he went home with a buddy.... He got home about nine o'clock... we went upstairs and I showed him his suitcase and how I had everything organized. I told him where to put his dirty clothes, how his clothes were matched up, and where his shower shoes were.... as I sat on the edge of his bed, I saw it coming... he walked across the room and just fell into my arms.... his head on my chest~ he said, "Mama, I don't know if I can do this or not".... the little girl in me wanted to grab him and say, "It's fine... you will be miserable at camp... just stay home with me... I'll buy you a prize if you stay because you are going to hate that feeling when you get ready to go to sleep".... YEP... that is what I wanted to say.... BUT... I held him tightly and swayed back and forth telling him that he would be fine... I told him all about his big sister crying uncontrollably and surviving at her camp experiences..... I told him he would have a great time... I told him he would make new friends... I told him that God was going to hold him and take care of him... I told him to remember Phillipians 4:13... I said all this with tears in my eyes... a shaking voice... and a heart that was breaking... that precious little blonde haired boy who has so much of my heart was hurting and he was afraid...
As we sat there hugging each other, I didn't want to let him go....He is my baby... I started thinking about how fast these ten years have gone by... I thought about how special he is to me and how he makes me want to stomp him in one breath and squeeze him to death in the other.... I thought about how lucky I am that he loves me like he does... I'm not the best mama... I don't always run to the den when he calls me... I don't always put up his clothes for him when he asks me... I don't always clean off his plate and put it in the dishwasher... I don't always iron his clothes... I don't always clean his bathroom... I don't always clean up after him.... He does so many of these things himself... I know I am building a little man...
I thought about how we walked down the beach and he grabbed my hand.... and how when we walk in stores and there are people who he questions... that little hand grabs mine... and how when he wants me to rub his back he always grabs my hand first and holds it.... and when we ride in the car... he likes to hold my hands while we sing really loud... and I thanked God for giving me that little boy who makes my heart smile on a daily basis.... and I put all my eggs in one basket... I told him he had to go... it was his opportunity to be a leader.... I told him he would just fine! I really didn't have any other option... those fragile little eggs had to be put in that basket so he could do this!
I worried all morning that he was going to have another meltdown at the church when I left him... He did great... he left me with a smile on his face... He called me this afernoon and sounded wonderful... I'm sure he is busy right now with the worship service, but I'm busy praying that he will have a peace tonight come over him so that feeling of homesickness won't show up.... But if by chance that little egg cracks.... I'm ready to go get him! I've got the car ready with plenty of gas... and I'm leaving clothes out.... If anyone else wants to pray for him... I'm sure he will feel the love... may his heart grow closer to Jesus this week... may he learn to rely on his faith to get him through things that aren't always comfortable for him... and may he always know that no matter where he roams... he will always be welcome at home....
I love you Benny Boo Boo.... Be strong this week... I'm counting down the days until you get home!
As I sit here tonight, my heart and mind are racing. It doesn't take much for me to get back to that homesick feeling... and I always thought once I got older it would be so much better... it is worse... especially when I am homesick for one of my own....
Ben signed up for church camp this year. He knew all of his friends would be going from church and didn't hesitate one bit when it was time to make the decision. I was so proud...I even stuck my chest out a little bit... Last night, we had to meet at the church about the logistics of the trip and then he went home with a buddy.... He got home about nine o'clock... we went upstairs and I showed him his suitcase and how I had everything organized. I told him where to put his dirty clothes, how his clothes were matched up, and where his shower shoes were.... as I sat on the edge of his bed, I saw it coming... he walked across the room and just fell into my arms.... his head on my chest~ he said, "Mama, I don't know if I can do this or not".... the little girl in me wanted to grab him and say, "It's fine... you will be miserable at camp... just stay home with me... I'll buy you a prize if you stay because you are going to hate that feeling when you get ready to go to sleep".... YEP... that is what I wanted to say.... BUT... I held him tightly and swayed back and forth telling him that he would be fine... I told him all about his big sister crying uncontrollably and surviving at her camp experiences..... I told him he would have a great time... I told him he would make new friends... I told him that God was going to hold him and take care of him... I told him to remember Phillipians 4:13... I said all this with tears in my eyes... a shaking voice... and a heart that was breaking... that precious little blonde haired boy who has so much of my heart was hurting and he was afraid...
As we sat there hugging each other, I didn't want to let him go....He is my baby... I started thinking about how fast these ten years have gone by... I thought about how special he is to me and how he makes me want to stomp him in one breath and squeeze him to death in the other.... I thought about how lucky I am that he loves me like he does... I'm not the best mama... I don't always run to the den when he calls me... I don't always put up his clothes for him when he asks me... I don't always clean off his plate and put it in the dishwasher... I don't always iron his clothes... I don't always clean his bathroom... I don't always clean up after him.... He does so many of these things himself... I know I am building a little man...
I thought about how we walked down the beach and he grabbed my hand.... and how when we walk in stores and there are people who he questions... that little hand grabs mine... and how when he wants me to rub his back he always grabs my hand first and holds it.... and when we ride in the car... he likes to hold my hands while we sing really loud... and I thanked God for giving me that little boy who makes my heart smile on a daily basis.... and I put all my eggs in one basket... I told him he had to go... it was his opportunity to be a leader.... I told him he would just fine! I really didn't have any other option... those fragile little eggs had to be put in that basket so he could do this!
I worried all morning that he was going to have another meltdown at the church when I left him... He did great... he left me with a smile on his face... He called me this afernoon and sounded wonderful... I'm sure he is busy right now with the worship service, but I'm busy praying that he will have a peace tonight come over him so that feeling of homesickness won't show up.... But if by chance that little egg cracks.... I'm ready to go get him! I've got the car ready with plenty of gas... and I'm leaving clothes out.... If anyone else wants to pray for him... I'm sure he will feel the love... may his heart grow closer to Jesus this week... may he learn to rely on his faith to get him through things that aren't always comfortable for him... and may he always know that no matter where he roams... he will always be welcome at home....
Saturday, July 12, 2014
My thoughts..... and a struggle....
One day... maybe KB and Ben will look at this post and understand about life events and how to handle them...
Being at the beach, I watched the waves crash against people, the shells, the rocks, and the sand... I realized that life resembles the ocean in many ways.... we are all part of a big ocean... and waves come and go.... there are storms that cause big waves... and then on some days the waves aren't that big and don't really cause a concern... in that big ocean are killer whales, big sharks, little sharks, and shrimp... which I love! I think of all these creatures as the people in my life... yeah... life isn't perfect... but I tend to stay away from those subjects... For the past few months I have been very reserved with my writing because I am afraid of being told again that people say things about my blog and it hurts my feelings... they are the killer whales... but then... I have a note from someone, or a comment in the grocery store, or message from someone I didn't know even cared about me.... and I realize that what I write might be something someone else is struggling with and it will help them... I believe in God's timing 100%... there is never anything unexpected...it is all planned to the nth degree.... As I thought about all those metaphors with life and the ocean... and how I wanted to take my computer down to the water and just write.... I didn't... because I was afraid of what people might say.... I read my devotion yesterday morning... and I knew I would take that guard down for a little bit....
Most mornings when I get up....the first thing I do is read my devotional app... I love it... it comes through at 7 AM...it's a quick verse... and a few sentences to explain...or words of wisdom...it's amazing the timing of these devotions... they are incredible.... Yesterday morning... it was titled "Complete Honesty".... Pslam 32:2 says, "Yes, what joy for those whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt, whose lives are lived in complete honesty. ".... Part of being guilt free...is being honest... It was suggested that sharing my struggles with others will in turn let them see how Jesus gives me strength in dealing with things. So... my struggles... well... there are a lot... one, that keeps coming up in my life...and has since I was little... is my inability to forgive those who hurt me.... I have asked God to help me many times get over it... I've even said the old childhood, "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me!"... Well... that ain't true! It's been several situations in my life that I have literally said to myself that I will never speak to "such and such" again because of something they said, something they did, or something they didn't do...All the while... I knew it was wrong that I felt that way.... those killer sharks were getting the best of me... my insides were miserable while I looked as happy as could be... but I really wasn't...So.... as I sat on the beach... I thought it would be appropriate to share my biggest struggle... being nice to those who have done me wrong.... I'm happy to say that I am getting over that... and truly.... Following what the Bible says is the only way to get over it.... I laugh now... literally smile inside and out when I think about the joy I feel when I can speak to people.... Mama has always told me I had a way about myself that people knew immediately if I liked them or not because I didn't put up with their foolishness.... I would smile... but they would know I didn't like them... I am doing so much better... I'm smiling... I'm speaking... I'm even showing a little care and concern... I changed my thoughts of "ugh....can't stand them"... to "gosh, they need to see that I'm strong in my faith and I can weather any storm...even if they caused the waves".....
I decided yesterday that I would write when I got home today about my struggle... or biggest struggle... and then... today... 1 Timothy 4:16 was my devotion.... "Keep a close watch on how you live and on your teaching. Stay true to what is right for the sake of your own salvation and the salvation of those who hear you." so I'm making a point now to speak to those who hurt me... being nice is so much better for me... for my sanity... and most of all my witness... smile through those pains, those hurts, those feelings of knowing that when I walk away they are going to have to say... "humph.... she is different".... and for KB and Ben.... when someone hurts your feelings... it's true... Killing them with kindness makes you feel a lot better! Those words, or actions that hurt you... become like the sand castles... they was away....
Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will. Yep... this was my "Jesus Calling" devotion for Wednesday.... So... I'm thinking this verifies my thoughts about not conforming any longer... while my feelings might be hurt at first, I think of the quote "Doing what is right isn't always easy, but it's always right!".... I know that being a good example for my children, and being a major part of their lives is right... is it easy... nope.... it would be so much easier to fill their time with things other than being with us....I watched this week... laughs.... giggling.... smiles... and my heart was warmed.... and I knew... being with them as much as I can... as a family... that's what is important!
And finally, Ben just came home from the lake and saw me with my Bible looking up these verses... and he said..."Mama, my favorite verse is Psalm 62:2... Look it up!".... I did... and this is what I saw... " He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken".... It makes a mama proud that a little ten year old little boy can know how important that verse is... I think it was a Godwink... His perfect timing lets me know that doing what I am doing is right... yes, I know I have lots of waves coming from that big ocean out there... and there will always be killer sharks who eat away at me... but using Him as my fortress will always keep me safe.
Tomorrow... I wake up to my 18th anniversary.... I really thought when I married Mark I couldn't love him any more than I did on July 13, 1996 .... he drives me crazy about fourteen times a day.... he picks on me... but he leads me in the right direction.... he makes dreams come true... but most of all... I know he loves me. This past year we have become closer than I ever imagined... If I could go back and start all over... I wouldn't... we have learned so much... we needed that time...we have changed... whether anyone else sees that or not...I don't know, but I'm happy... and I know that the happiness I experience now is because he has been relying on those Godwinks, those devotions, and those metaphors that we are both seeing! He is "graciously" allowing me to go back to work full time... He said I was working full time...I may as well get paid for it.... I start back Monday.... our lives will be different... I have lots of prayer requests for this upcoming year... for happiness for lots of people... for dreams to come true... and for those who can't find their own happiness... I hope they see that spending a little time with Jesus EVERY day.... it does a heart good!
Sis and Boo... don't let others still your joy... your happiness...or your good mood... speak to them... and move on!
Being at the beach, I watched the waves crash against people, the shells, the rocks, and the sand... I realized that life resembles the ocean in many ways.... we are all part of a big ocean... and waves come and go.... there are storms that cause big waves... and then on some days the waves aren't that big and don't really cause a concern... in that big ocean are killer whales, big sharks, little sharks, and shrimp... which I love! I think of all these creatures as the people in my life... yeah... life isn't perfect... but I tend to stay away from those subjects... For the past few months I have been very reserved with my writing because I am afraid of being told again that people say things about my blog and it hurts my feelings... they are the killer whales... but then... I have a note from someone, or a comment in the grocery store, or message from someone I didn't know even cared about me.... and I realize that what I write might be something someone else is struggling with and it will help them... I believe in God's timing 100%... there is never anything unexpected...it is all planned to the nth degree.... As I thought about all those metaphors with life and the ocean... and how I wanted to take my computer down to the water and just write.... I didn't... because I was afraid of what people might say.... I read my devotion yesterday morning... and I knew I would take that guard down for a little bit....
Most mornings when I get up....the first thing I do is read my devotional app... I love it... it comes through at 7 AM...it's a quick verse... and a few sentences to explain...or words of wisdom...it's amazing the timing of these devotions... they are incredible.... Yesterday morning... it was titled "Complete Honesty".... Pslam 32:2 says, "Yes, what joy for those whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt, whose lives are lived in complete honesty. ".... Part of being guilt free...is being honest... It was suggested that sharing my struggles with others will in turn let them see how Jesus gives me strength in dealing with things. So... my struggles... well... there are a lot... one, that keeps coming up in my life...and has since I was little... is my inability to forgive those who hurt me.... I have asked God to help me many times get over it... I've even said the old childhood, "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me!"... Well... that ain't true! It's been several situations in my life that I have literally said to myself that I will never speak to "such and such" again because of something they said, something they did, or something they didn't do...All the while... I knew it was wrong that I felt that way.... those killer sharks were getting the best of me... my insides were miserable while I looked as happy as could be... but I really wasn't...So.... as I sat on the beach... I thought it would be appropriate to share my biggest struggle... being nice to those who have done me wrong.... I'm happy to say that I am getting over that... and truly.... Following what the Bible says is the only way to get over it.... I laugh now... literally smile inside and out when I think about the joy I feel when I can speak to people.... Mama has always told me I had a way about myself that people knew immediately if I liked them or not because I didn't put up with their foolishness.... I would smile... but they would know I didn't like them... I am doing so much better... I'm smiling... I'm speaking... I'm even showing a little care and concern... I changed my thoughts of "ugh....can't stand them"... to "gosh, they need to see that I'm strong in my faith and I can weather any storm...even if they caused the waves".....
I decided yesterday that I would write when I got home today about my struggle... or biggest struggle... and then... today... 1 Timothy 4:16 was my devotion.... "Keep a close watch on how you live and on your teaching. Stay true to what is right for the sake of your own salvation and the salvation of those who hear you." so I'm making a point now to speak to those who hurt me... being nice is so much better for me... for my sanity... and most of all my witness... smile through those pains, those hurts, those feelings of knowing that when I walk away they are going to have to say... "humph.... she is different".... and for KB and Ben.... when someone hurts your feelings... it's true... Killing them with kindness makes you feel a lot better! Those words, or actions that hurt you... become like the sand castles... they was away....
Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will. Yep... this was my "Jesus Calling" devotion for Wednesday.... So... I'm thinking this verifies my thoughts about not conforming any longer... while my feelings might be hurt at first, I think of the quote "Doing what is right isn't always easy, but it's always right!".... I know that being a good example for my children, and being a major part of their lives is right... is it easy... nope.... it would be so much easier to fill their time with things other than being with us....I watched this week... laughs.... giggling.... smiles... and my heart was warmed.... and I knew... being with them as much as I can... as a family... that's what is important!
And finally, Ben just came home from the lake and saw me with my Bible looking up these verses... and he said..."Mama, my favorite verse is Psalm 62:2... Look it up!".... I did... and this is what I saw... " He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken".... It makes a mama proud that a little ten year old little boy can know how important that verse is... I think it was a Godwink... His perfect timing lets me know that doing what I am doing is right... yes, I know I have lots of waves coming from that big ocean out there... and there will always be killer sharks who eat away at me... but using Him as my fortress will always keep me safe.
Tomorrow... I wake up to my 18th anniversary.... I really thought when I married Mark I couldn't love him any more than I did on July 13, 1996 .... he drives me crazy about fourteen times a day.... he picks on me... but he leads me in the right direction.... he makes dreams come true... but most of all... I know he loves me. This past year we have become closer than I ever imagined... If I could go back and start all over... I wouldn't... we have learned so much... we needed that time...we have changed... whether anyone else sees that or not...I don't know, but I'm happy... and I know that the happiness I experience now is because he has been relying on those Godwinks, those devotions, and those metaphors that we are both seeing! He is "graciously" allowing me to go back to work full time... He said I was working full time...I may as well get paid for it.... I start back Monday.... our lives will be different... I have lots of prayer requests for this upcoming year... for happiness for lots of people... for dreams to come true... and for those who can't find their own happiness... I hope they see that spending a little time with Jesus EVERY day.... it does a heart good!
Sis and Boo... don't let others still your joy... your happiness...or your good mood... speak to them... and move on!
Edisto 2014 Day Seven....
Our last day.... it's always sad to me... I want to be home by that point, but I also know that I will miss the beach.... it is my calming place... my thinking place.... I can figure out lots of things while there!
It was cloudy when we woke up, so we decided to run to the Serpentarium before heading to the beach.... I am learning to like all God's creatures...even though I don't like snakes or lizards....I didn't touch anything, but I also didn't run away when they were brought out... This is one of the brothers who owns it... wonderful presenter... and knows just about anything anyone asks!
Of course... McKinneys got to sit on the front row so they can see....
From sharks to snakes.... EEEEEKKKKKKK
And she did it too... ugh....
Watching the turtles....
And this tree is full of live snakes... crawling around.... I asked God to protect me.... and please let my feet be able to move fast enough to get away from them if one got loose....
We came back to the house and headed out to the beach... the weather was perfect for my fair skin!
And Ben learned to do the skim board...
KB and Memaw(who else knows a 14 year old called a grandmother name) decided to dress like twins!
My family still struggles with taking a picture.... someone has to be irritated or difficult....
Or... when the faces look okay... Mark does something crazy like this....
Emmie and Sis... scary sitting and watching them... so, so much alike....
We all got dressed to go out to eat and took a fifteen minute photo opportunity... I literally snapped over 400 pictures... no posing.... just sit down, walk over there... hold your head up... all that and this is what we got... good and bad, but a small preview of our pictures!
And we are done... we are home... the washing machine has been running nonstop... and KB and Ben are gone to the lake with the church... We had a great trip! I love the atmosphere of "Edislow".... family time and peace and quiet.... looking forward to next year!
It was cloudy when we woke up, so we decided to run to the Serpentarium before heading to the beach.... I am learning to like all God's creatures...even though I don't like snakes or lizards....I didn't touch anything, but I also didn't run away when they were brought out... This is one of the brothers who owns it... wonderful presenter... and knows just about anything anyone asks!
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